The trouble with no Sprite...

So my wife fainted. Passed-out. Gone. I heard the thump, but didn’t see the fall, so I suppose it’s possible she hurled a bowling ball and then laid down on the ground, in a bizarre attempt to fool me into thinking she had passed out. But it doesn’t seem really likely. Action Wife is prone to bouts of practical jokes, but this, as you’ll come to see, would have been carrying it way too far if for no other reason than the sheer volume of laundry I had to do.

I was trying to open the front door, and wife was in the bathroom. I was halfway out of the door, when I heard the aforementioned thump. As mentioned before, my vast intellect had come up with several possibilities for the source of the sound, and come to the most likely conclusion. The bowling ball scenario presented itself but was rapidly dismissed due to the fact that we do not own said bowling ball. The next most likely scenario revolved around the Chinese (all of them) and the manufacturers of aluminum foil (they’re out to get me) whose particulars are so complex as to persuade me not to trouble you with them. And finally, I determined that wife had fallen for an indeterminate reason. My intellect (without consulting me) had selected the Chinese/foil scenario and was reaching for my cyanide capsule when I turned and saw wife prone on the floor.

Presented with this new evidence I scooped up wife using my incredible man-strength and promptly dropped her again. And again outside the house. And once more next to the car. (The man strength is less vast than the intellect due in large part to muscle atrophy caused by my supply of muscle building sprite being cut off by said wife, oh my goodness the irony.)

After placing wife in the Action Mobile, I calmly (read: panic-stricken) drove wife to the nearest Emergency Health center. Doctors there began by allowing wife to fall again prone on their floor and twiddling their thumbs while I calmly pointed out that this is what she looked like before and inquiring whether the position of her arms and legs while unconscious had any significance to her condition. Doctors then patted my head in a reassuring manner and got me a Lolly.

Action Steve is not above accepting a charity Lolly. I viewed it as a prize for my heroic efforts thus far.

Wife by this time had regained consciousness and her incredible mind control over me. She (in her very pragmatic manner) instructed me to wait in the cafeteria while the “big-people” talked things over. When I was allowed to return I was informed that wife was not dying, suffering from parasitic human growth in the womb, malignant growth in the same, or a dastardly and unruly appendix. We were given fun painkillers and sent back to the Action lair.

So we see that no situation is outside the realm of my direct control. Everything went exactly as planned. The Chinese/foil syndicate is still a cause for some concern, but I expect to take care of them armed with wife’s fun new painkillers and some life giving Sprite.